Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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