Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
