And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
