Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
