She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
