Apparently you make a good broom.
im six kinds of drunk right now
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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