I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
