im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
