Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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