I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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