does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
