Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
