Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
