Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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