Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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