I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
