I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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