He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
