Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
is that a dick in a sweater?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
