At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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