i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
