oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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