When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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