dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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