I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
