my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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