dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
