it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
