If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
me + whiskey = a bad person
I could fuck to npr.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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