I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
