Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
