Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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