One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
