We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
