I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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