sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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