Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
