Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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