thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
