I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
