last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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