Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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