What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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