the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
