just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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