Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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