my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
lets start a swedish sibling band together
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
