My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
