I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
