I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
