omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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