just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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